The Rams and Eagles Have Lost Their Minds!!!

So, we are less than a week away from the 2016 NFL Draft. A day that used to bring me so much joy. Since i was a lil boy i can remember waking up early on Saturdays, going to the kitchen to get my large bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch(or Frosted Mini-Wheats), all while still in my tighty-whities, and id plop down in front of my tv to watch college dudes become millionaires, and dream of my time to do the same. Well the 1st round of the draft no longer happens on Saturdays, and eating cereal in my underwear just doesn't feel the same on a Thursday evening... it Feels broke. Nothing wrong with being broke, just aint for me. So this year we have some drama before the draft even starts. The top 2 picks have been traded by the Tennessee Titans and Cleveland Browns(respectively) to the LA Rams(soon to be dubbed the "1OAK All Stars") and the Philadelphia Eagles, respectively. And i gotta say I'm scratching my head here on the amount of reaching the Eagles and Rams GM's have done. They're reaching so much we might need to nickname them Mr. Plastic! For the Rams, i kinda get it, they're coming back to LA and they want to make a splash, they're also on Hard Knocks this season so they wanna be attractive, and hell this is LA-we like shiny things. But even more than shiny things, LA likes winners. We got a bunch of folks from other parts of the country that migrate here to WIN at whatever they came for and they aint got time for Losers. Only losers we tolerate are the Lakers and that leash aint gonna stretch too long if they don't shape up. There's just too much other stuff to do for us to support a loser. And the Rams aren't gonna be good, not with Case Keenum as their starter and the presumable No.1 overall pick Jared Goff is good, but he's no Cam Newton/Andrew Luck, which is who i feel you trade up to get in the draft. Not Goff. If that generational type player isn't available, then u stay put and draft what's there for you, or you end up settling for a QB like Sam Bradford who benefited from being the best available qb in a qb light draft...ooops, Rams already did that. And they traded away so much to move up. Good luck with that Rams. Y'all better make sure you put a HYDE in ur stadium too, cause if Goff aint the dude u thought he was, thats where most your fans gonna be during the game...or standing in line trying to get in. Then you have the Eagles, who gave up a GRIP to be the bridesmaid of the draft. They get to draft the QB the Rams don't want, and they gotta act like they're happy to get whoever it is. You know them dudes got their heart set on one of these dudes and I'm still finding it hard to believe a QB from a Div-1aa School(Carson Wentz) is bout to be drafted No.2 overall, in the NFL DRAFT!!! Who the hell has he played against? I seen the highlight package...every pass he completes, the dude is like open by yards! That aint gonna be the case in the league, and he's out there shaking them defenders left and right so all the analysts are calling him "mobile", wait til he's trying to evade Von Miller and the likes, can you say TATTOO? Cause that's whats gonna happen. And all the pundits are saying "Carson Wentz is gonna go to Philly and sit a year or two". What?!! Don't y'all understand that he's going to Philly. The same fans that boo'ed Santa Claus and an immobilized Michael Irvin...after Sam Badfor(i left the 'R' out on purpose) gets off to his normal Awful start, they're gonna be bloodthirsty for Wentz to get on the field...and that's not gonna end well, especially if its early!

The clear winners in these trades are the Titans and Browns, the Titans getting the edge cause they don't play in Cleveland. They've got their QB of the Future in Marcus Mariota. But the Browns came up!!! They moved back only 6 spots and will still be able to draft elite talent at the 8th spot. Plus they get Philly's 1st pick next year which WILL be in the top 10. Only hiccup i see here is the "Browns" have a Brown Head Coach(Hugh Jackson)/Brown Def Coordinator(Ray Horton)/Brown Off Coordinator(Pep Hamilton)/Brown Starting QB(RG3)...that leash is gonna be "shorter than a little person on their knees". Lord they better win. A Lot. And fast. Peace.

Blaming Byron?

    So, we've already established that the Los Angeles Lakers are PUTRID(read all my damn articles man/woman...im giving y'all gold baby), and the reasons why they are PUTRID. Kobe Bryant, D'angelo Bust-ell, and Steph Curry(Light and Bright what they call him). You might notice that i never mentioned Byron Scott, which many Lakers fans put at the top of their list, and to them i say: You're Stupid. Outside of that group of guys in Philadelphia that try to do something resembling basketball but it is not really basketball, the Los Angeles Lakers have the worst roster in the NBA. For Christ sakes, Roy Hibbert is on this team...and HE STARTS!!!! I could stop there, but i shall not. They also have 2 fossils on the team, Ron Artest(his mama named him Ron, ima call him Ron), Kobe Bryant, and they get Minutes! I remember watching Michael Jordan play and thinking that every time he shot the ball, it was going in...with Ron, i have the opposite thoughts. Im usually right. Kobe we'll address later.
     Then you have the young guys: D'angelo Bust-ell, a jumpshot dependent, non-explosive, not tall enough or good enough shooter to be a shooting guard, but not fast enough to be a point guard, dude who's PR department at Ohio State deserves a pay raise, and also the dude who won't be on this team after his current contract expires, Trust. Julius Randle, the one with promise, yet is still so frustrating to watch cause you constantly scream at him to "USE UR RIGHT HAND!!!", but he doesn't hear you cause you're screaming at the TV. No True offensive game, and lackadaisical on defense at times, but he could be great if he gets a jumper and a RIGHT HAND!!! Jordan Clarkson , is the teams best player, and that's a damn shame.
     Then you have the fact that the Lakers 2016 first round draft pick is protected only if its a top three pick. Basically, the Lakers have to lose enough games to get enough balls in the Lottery selection process to hopefully get one of the top 3 picks(Brandon Ingram, yes he needs to put creatine in everything he uses, creatine lotion, creating toothpaste, but he's gonna be good), if they don't lose games, they get nothing, nada, zilch. And that would Huuuuurrrrtttttt.
      The worst thing fans of sports teams do is wrongfully blame the coaches. Now of course there are some terrible dudes out there that have no business being the head coach of sports teams(Chip Kelly), but there are a lot of guys that are just dealt bad hands, and Byron is one of those. He's in a can't-win situation, literally. The front office has given him a roster of dudes who can't play with names fans recognize so they think the team isn't trying to win, because pulling a Philadelphia 76'ers move won't work in LA, we are entitled and need to feel that we have a shot at winning titles, its our Right!lol. And just coming out and tanking would hurt the bottom line: Ticket Sales and Revenue, and the Executives aint out here trying to hurt the bottom line, people get fired for things like that. So they have to appear to be trying, even though they're not. They have to Lose to keep they're pick! Then you have the young players that aren't ready to be steady contributors. Just because you're a high draft pick doesn't mean you should play 35 mins a game, you have to earn your keep. Rookies are usually turnover machines and defensive liabilities, and have no idea most of the time how to run the offense when option A is taken away, which is what NBA defenses are designed to do. So when option A is taken away what do rookies do? They ISO. Which makes it look like they're out there running around in a terrible offense, when in fact they're are the reason the offense is terrible. He's also got to deal with the circus that has been Kobe Bryant's last season. How can you actually coach a team full of trash(Roy Hibbert) and youngsters, when your statistically worst player is being celebrated and cheered on every night to shoot every time he touches the ball, and he does. Im not blaming Kobe for coming back as a shell of his former self just so he can get that $24 million dollars...id be out there on the court in a wheel chair if it meant me getting $24 million, wheelchair would be a helluva screen setter, believe that! But its killing Byron and the team. You literally have other players on the team being booed by fans when Kobe is on the court and they take a shot instead of him. You can't coach in that atmosphere. Phil Jackson would lose 60+ games too!
     Byron Scott has led a team to the NBA Finals twice, and led another team to the Western Conference Finals...He can coach and has forgotten more basketball than most of you will ever know.  Fire Byron and where do you go from there? Tom Thibodeau? Just what LA needs, another hoarse voiced coach, reporters will lose their mind trying to get soundbites! Derek Fisher? Lmao, Guard your girl fellas! Luke Walton? I could coach Light and Bright and the Warriors to a championship, "ok, lets pass the ball to Steph. If he's not open, pass it to Klay, if Klay aint open, try to pass it to Steph again"...its easy! There aren't too many Byron Scotts just walking around on the street. So Lakers fans, just chill out, let the process happen, and stop being Stupid.

The Curious Case of Colin Kaepernick

When i see this image of Colin Kaepernick, i wonder lots of things: "What was he looking at? Was there someone in the stadium yelling "Kaepernick you suck!" and he happened to be able to zero in on that one person? Was it a pretty girl? Was he looking at the scoreboard, which during last season unquestionably would've shown his team losing? Was he wondering if Carrie actually killed Quinn on the last season of Homeland?(I can't be the only one who thinks he looks like an extra on Homeland...i love that show) Was he wondering why Cam Newton gets all the credit for "dabbing" when he kinda sorta started the dabbing thing after he scored touchdowns by kissing his bicep?(it was kinda a Dab) Or, was he looking to God and asking "HOW DID I GET SO TERRIBLE?"

It was the spring of 2011, the 49ers were coming off another Putrid season where they had finished 6-10 and looked even worse than that. However, hope had come, with the firing of Mike "Cant Do It" Singletary and hiring of former overachieving NFL QB turned Genius College football Coach, Jim Harbaugh(anyone that can make a school full of nerds, tree huggers, and app builders into a football powerhouse is a Genius. By the way, Thank you nerds, tree huggers and app builders, what would this world be without you!) And in the spring of 2011, The Genius drafted a numbskull that could sack the Quarterback in the 1st round(He now plays for the Raiders...when he's not suspended) and in the 2nd round he drafted a skinny, relatively unknown QB from the University of Nevada named Colin Kaepernick(Unknown because he played on the west coast and most media members pay no attention to the west coast, especially if your conference is called WAC, just don't sound like anything you should care about, but he was 2 time player of the year in that WAC) who ran and threw for a GRIP of yards in his career there: his final year he threw for 3000 yds, 21 tds, 64% comp, rushed for 1200 yds, and 20 tds...yes TWENTY, 2-0!!! He was a monster!!! And hopefully would come and eventually take the job of Average Smith, no his name is not Alex Smith, its Average Smith.
2011 Season: Kaepernick handed off the ball a few times and completed a few passes in backup duty, but showed amazing arm strength and athleticism in practice and got the coaches enthused about what could be. Especially after Average Smith managed the team to a 13-3 record where they set a league record for most FG's attempted and Made in a season, YAY!!! Then they got beat down in the NFC championship game by the eventual Super Bowl Champs the New York Giants. That game showed just how Average, Average Smith was. Basically he checked down all day, took no shots downfield and turned the 49er receivers into high paid blockers. The writing was on the wall, for this team to go further, they need a QB that would stretch defenses and widen the field. They needed Colin Kaepernick to hurry up and get good.
2012 season: Average Smith started, and got hurt midway through the season, Colin came in and BLEW UP!!!!! Running, Passing, Half Dabbing, and Killing the League!!! What could you do with him? He had the arm and confidence to fit the ball into tight spots. The safeties couldn't sneak up, they had to respect him. Linebackers and D-linemen had to worry about him running, or giving to bowling ball that was Frank Gore. He in so many words was, A Problem. He led the niners to the super bowl, along the way he eviscerated Aaron Rodgers and Green Bay, in Green Bay. Ray Lewis and the Ravens dashed my teams hopes and dreams. Next year!!
2013 season: Colin began the year as the starter with Average Smith being shipped to Kansas City for draft picks. In his first full season he looked good, not great. 3100 yds, 21 tds with 8 ints, and 500 rushing yards. The niners receivers however were not so good, and Michael Crabtree was hurt much of the year, giving the impression that if Kaepernick had good receivers, he'd have been better. Plus Seattle barely beat them in the NFC Championship, and Russell Wilson was good, but not Kap.
2014 season: Kaepernick signed one of the worst contracts for a player that ever existed. Basically, he had to ball out every year to make big money, the way it should be, but not if you're the dude in every damn commercial and doing Al Pacino impressions for Madden video games(which he's terrible in). The regression started to really show. Accuracy problems. Lack of pocket awareness. And we found out Colin Kaepernick wanted to be a model as well as an NFL QB, he was also THIRSTY on the social media platform...if a millionaire NFL qb is liking pictures of girls i know, theres a lil too much thirst going on. Focus on defenses and not the gram bruh!!! The Niners finished 8-8 and the Genius was fired. Uh-oh!!!
2015 season: Kaepernick was AWFULLLLLLL. In a game at Arizona, 2 of his first 4 passes were picked off for TD's. He threw 4int's in the game. If you listened hard enough, you could hear one of the intercepters yelling to Kap, "Don't throw it here!", Kaepernick didn't listen. He would be benched later in the season for Blaine Gabbert, yeah you know, that Blaine Gabbert. There are few things that would have me contemplate my worth on this Earth, being told Blaine Gabbert is better than me is one of those things. Niners finished 5-11.
And here we are now. Kaepernick wants to be traded cause his feelings are hurt. My feelings would be too if i were benched for Blaine Gabbert. And the niners are willing to trade him for the right price. Kaepernick's 2016 salary became guaranteed April 1st, and that salary is $11.9 million dollars. He belongs to the Niners. He wants to be traded to the Broncos, but the broncos don't want to pay him $11.9 million dollars. They want to pay him 7. They want him to take a pay cut, or have the Niners pay the 4.9 million dollars on his contract. (Record scratches) What?!!!! The 49ers are awful and in no position to be paying dudes to play somewhere else. And Colin aint stupid, giving $5 million dollars up to play for a team that just won a super bowl with a horrible QB is setting himself up for failure. They don't win with him, he damages his reputation even further and assures himself of never getting another $11 million dollar a year payday. Plus the niners just brought in Chip Kelly(the supposed QB guru and offensive genius. Ask Philly how that worked out...it didn't.) But they need to see what Chip and Colin can do with each other. And i get it, it has to suck for Colin, he's gotta show up to work for people he doesn't like, and compete wit Blaine Gabbert, but you know what he does have $11.9 million dollars. Get over it bruh...and stop sucking, please. I still wouldn't want Average Smith back...

Do you give a damn about this years Final 4? I don't.

Every year around this time I'm usually perusing(yeah, i went to private school) online shopping sites, or strolling thru a mall. Im a big fan of Hugo Boss, Vince, and Bloomingdales, just in case y'all feel like doing something special for your boy, but that's neither here nor there(12shoe, 33x32 pant, 42L suit). I do this perusing in anticipation of winning money from my NCAA March Madness bracket pool. Full disclosure, I've been an avid fan of college basketball since Kenny Anderson dug a grave for Bobby Hurley in 1990, oh you don't remember: https://youtu.be/Nr-2SofYkcU (I thought he was gonna be The Truth. Thanks for everything Tammy from the Real World. Smh). In high school i even started and ran my own yearly pool, $20 entry fee, i took $5 off the top of all entries...paper was expensive in the 90's. And in the 26 years that I've been filling out a bracket, I've won a pool a grand total of 1 time! This was gonna be my year tho!!!! Not because id watched an extensive amount of College Basketball, but because i was sure no one had watched barely any at all, so the playing field would be even, if not slightly slanted in my favor, because I'm smarter than most people. So, in effect one might say that i was 'Wish Shopping' online or at that mall. After the 1st round of games, my wish had been choked out like Connor McGregor and Holly Holm. Thanks Michigan State. But i think we need to delve into why I, and most of America didn't watch much college ball this year...cause its BORING!!!!!! Tune into any college game and this is pretty much their offensive strategy : Get ball over half court line, pass to a dude that won't be in the NBA, dude that won't be in the NBA passes to another dude that won't be in the NBA, that dude that won't be in the NBA passes to a freshman that will be in the NBA next year but won't be a star, he passes to a dude that will play in Turkey next year (as the eternal :35sec shot clock wades to :10secs) , and the guy the that will play in Turkey next year takes a 3pt shot that he misses, and the ball is rebounded by the others teams guy that won't play in the NBA next year, and we start all over again. Shoot me please...not now, but RIGHT NOW!!! There's a couple things that need to happen here to help the college game. 1st: Stop making these kids who don't want to be in college go to college!!! What good is it doing? They're only there for half a cup of coffee, they're not gaining any chemistry with the dudes that will be there for the next few years, and vice versa. And don't tell me about they're getting an education. An education in what, how to do just enough to be eligible to play ball for a semester so i can go get my money in the summer? Imagine being a professor on a campus with a 1andDone baller, his first day in class id say "Hello, and It was nice to meet you"cause he won't be back. Would You? He learned how to count money a long time ago, class dismissed. And you're making the college coaches lose dignity at an alarming rate. Coaches out here begging these dudes to "please come to my team for a year, and not listen to me, or truly care what i gotta say, please!" 2nd : Shorten the damn shot clock! Speed up the game. Get rid of these teams like Virginia out here doing their best Hoosiers impersonation. These kids are part of the Vine/Snapchat generation, they can deal with things being sped up. 3rd : Get rid of the damn Zone defenses. A great man by the name of Bomani Jones has a true saying:" Zone is for Cowards." Guard somebody straight up, if he beats you, tip your hat and try harder next time. 'We just gonna all guard our lil area and when ur man comes to our area we gonna help you', they out here basically jumping people. And that's super cowardly.
You know things are bad when Oregon is a #1 seed and only the people in Oregon have seen them play! Lets go through the final four teams and see what we know about them:

UNC- The 5th Year All Stars, every dude on that team was recruited by Dean Smith! Bryce Johnson is nice, but you're supposed to be nice when you're older than everyone else!

Villanova- Quick, ill give anyone not from Philly,  100 Pesos if you can name one starter on that team...See! I know their coach tho, he uses Dove Mens Soap-It Cleans and Protects agains dryness...he wears nice suits too.

Syracuse- They got a bunch of old dudes and one new dude who has that "i just woke up and don't care" hair do the kids are rocking these days and he won't be there next year, cause he's Real Good. And their coach was suspended for violations, but the committee didn't take into consideration the games they lost while he wasn't there. Nice punishment.

Oklahoma- Buddy Hield. Buddy Hield is from the Bahamas. Buddy Hield's initials are B.H.

Thanks again Michigan State.

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